What does hard core look like?

*trigger warning domestic violence, still birth mentioned*

I recently read this fantastic blogpost by Smelly Socks and Garden Peas

https://smellysocksandgardenpeas.com/2024/02/10/i-am-hard-core/

Her question at the end reminded me of my blogpost from last year.

https://wasthatadinosaur.wordpress.com/2023/05/17/mental-health-awareness-week/

But what does “hard core” look like?

If you think it looks cool, calm, and collected at all times but especially at crisis point you’d be wrong. If you think there’s no fear involved- wrong again!

It’s putting yourself between the child/ children and the foot or fist while crying ugly, snotty tears.

It’s walking on eggshells hoping not to trigger an eruption.

It’s shushing the baby as prepare his or her feed.

It’s finally waking up to the fact it’s not your fault, it’s not the children’s fault when he punches the sleeping 7 month baby in the face while she’s in your arms and the 21 month toddler is playing quietly.

It’s pushing down the panic as you finally calmed him and persuaded him to let you put the children upstairs.

It’s reaching for the house phone… calling for help… being betrayed by the extension “ding” as you hang up.

It’s telling the angry bully help is on its way and hearing the footsteps run back down the stairs and out the front door.

It’s slowly going down the stairs and locking the front door feeling like cooked spaghetti (no ability to stand straight and tall).

It’s starting divorce proceedings.

It’s raising 3 children solo. The baby born just over 6 months after this incident (a couple of weeks after the divorce was final).

It’s singing “3 Wheels On My Wagon” as you pick up the wheel that’s dropped off the pram as you push it home containing shopping and 3 children (baby, and oldest in the pram; middle child on pram seats shopping in tray/basket on wheel frame plus more on handle).

Hard core is crying, exhausted, through the current parenting crisis because it’s all down to you.

It’s trying your best in difficult situations making impossible decisions.

It’s finally having your adult children living independently.

It’s being there and strong for them as they face their crises.

It’s holding your first grandchild and calling the social worker because your son calls to tell you his girlfriend hit the baby.

It’s sleeping on her living room floor when she had to have someone supervising her.

It’s knowing that your grandchild will have a better future adopted.

It’s tentatively beginning to feel love for your daughter’s baby in the womb and hoping happiness won’t be snatched away this time.

It’s being at her side as you both watch the heartbeat stop during a scan.

It’s helping your daughter through the next few days until your granddaughter is stillborn.

It’s all the other heartbreak you cannot protect your daughter from (now she really is hard core I’m softer than melted butter in comparison but she still needs mum’s support).

It’s my health breaking down.

It’s staying independent while losing my sight.

But there’s still lots of ugly crying, putting one foot in front of the other because I’m too stubborn to stop, and there’s happiness too.

The happiness can feel as fragile as a bubble, as golden as a sunrise or sunset, and yes even as turbulent as a stormy sea or blustery day.

You are more hard core than you know. If crying, struggling, needing help makes you think you’re not hard core don’t listen to that inner lie.

Sending you all the love, strength, courage, and the wisdom to know when to ask for help.

Until next time.