Plan B?

* Trigger Warning domestic abuse briefly mentioned *

There’s a video where the voiceover asks “What is your plan B if nobody marries you?”

Well I got married… he turned out to be abusive… I got divorced and raised my 3 children solo…

Now there’s often times I wish my plan A hadn’t been get married. When I bought my wedding dress fabric at John Lewis in Oxford Street in London there was an IRA bomb scare (I’m not sure now if it was 17 December 1983 when there was a bombing at Harrods, or if it was a false alarm in January 1984). I do know my mum was cross I’d not phoned her (because I had no idea it was happening). Remember mobile phones weren’t a thing back then.

Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t be without my children but having lived as a solo parent since the beginning of December 1986 (37.25 years) and living totally solo for about 11 years I’m glad to only be responsible for planning for myself these days with my children visiting.

If I was advising my younger self today I’d certainly suggest that I should plan to live independently and marrying someone good would be a bonus… maybe I would have saved myself the heartbreak of an abusive marriage as I might have caught the hints my family told me were so obvious to them (after my divorce).

The main thing to remember is no matter how many plans “go wrong” we can always make a new plan… even if we find we’re having to unpack baggage from previous plans.

It’s so hard to realise that in June it will be 40 years since I got married (and started accepting his excuses for his abuse). It’s 37.25 years since the “spell” was broken after the violence came when the children weren’t crying already, and we weren’t arguing, and I could parrot back what he started to rant about so he couldn’t say I wasn’t listening.

I wish I could say I never looked back, but even though I thought a few times of going back I only had to watch a friend doing the seesaw after going through the same experience to know that I had to keep moving forwards.

Also I wish I could say that I never have the “panic” when shouting, loud noises, etc send me back. Thankfully after being almost constant with occasional respite 37.25 years ago it’s the reverse now.

It’s also good to remember that the only thing guaranteed in life is it will change. Sometimes worse… sometimes better. Mediocrity may seem constant with moments of euphoria and others of deep despair.

Just putting 1 foot in front of the other when I have felt I couldn’t has always made me find a new higher ground in the end.

I did have times that the way “up” felt like I was digging myself deeper into despair.

Never giving up sometimes felt way too hard… but I’m still here, and have more happy than sad times.

Do whatever you need to to bolster your mental health… until next time